” Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. “


” I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar. “


” I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. “


” I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice! “


” I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries. “


” If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat! “


” I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar! “


” I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times! “


” I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money. “


” I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am. “


” My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope. “



All 11 Demetri Martin Quotes about You in picture


Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I
I love women, but I feel like you can
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that
If you can
I like women, but you can
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said,
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said,
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance.

Topics: