” You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice. “


” I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. “


” So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it. “


” So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are. “


” So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from. “


” So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you. “


” Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. “


” You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. “


” So I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: I can’t make Tuesdays. “


” I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. “


” My house is a bit like a teenager’s bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I’ve got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul. “


” People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ – if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. “


” If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn’t really count as narrative. “


” One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you’ll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they’re both enjoying it. “



All 14 Tim Vine Quotes about You in picture


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said
I


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said
So I rang up a local building firm, I said
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
You see I
So I said to the gym instructor:
I
My house is a bit like a teenager
People ask
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you
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